On nerdy teacher things...

Lucy Calkins. Lisa Delpit. Debbie Diller. Fountas and Pinnell. Pedro Noguera. Debbie Miller. Marilyn Burns. A few names that may mean nothing to the general population, but whose words and pedagogy have influenced my life in the classroom and out of it.
“The stereotypical images we hold toward groups are powerful in influencing what people see and expect of students. Unless educators consciously try to undermine and work against these kinds of stereotypes, they often act on them unconsciously. Our assumptions related to race are so deeply entrenched that it is virtually impossible for us not to hold them unless we take conscious and deliberate action.”
-Pedro Noguera
 This is what is at the forefront of my mind EVERY DAY in the classroom. Who am I calling out and why? Who am I holding accountable and how? Am I being too lenient, too subjective? Am I noticing certain "behaviors" because they're simply different from the behaviors valued by the culture of power? Every day I'm failing myself because I'm not doing enough to my own standards...but I think this is a good thing. To constantly strive for a better and more just classroom in teaching is IMPERATIVE, I think. Today I called on a blonde girl perhaps 1 or 2 times more than other students in my class. Why? Because she raised her hand more. What am I reflecting on today? Using my equity sticks no matter what at every part of every.single.day. Did we turn and talk enough today? Were my ELLs voices heard, or at least given the access to be heard? Did I use too many idioms without explaining? Were my visuals clear enough for my student hard of hearing? Are my students being purposeful in their work? Are they thinking critically/making predictions/using prior knowledge and text to self connections to guide their reading skills? Can they decode the digraph sh? Do they know what a short vowel is? Did I explain to them WHY we don't wear hats in the classroom rather than bark at them to just take it off? Did I give enough think time, did we I interactively model enough, did I allow for think time, did I provide enough scaffolding and sentence frames to provide for structured, meaningful conversations?
Every day these things are on my mind every single day. Often it's jumbled in my brain, things are ALWAYS left behind, I always want more and better, and at this moment I'm craving more knowledge. I want to know more about the Daily Five, I want to make Lucy Calkins' approach to teaching writing more purposeful and accessible to English Language Learners; I want to incorporate more Total Physical Response and Call and Response.
I want to know more, to research more, to utilize all this knowledge more...

Whatwasit whatwasit whatwasit

I often wonder, like every other educator, I'm sure...was I meant to be a teacher? Most often times, the answer is no. I'm unorganized, scatterbrained, forgetful, and at times even a little careless. And I've always been this way. Sometimes I think it's getting worse. How can I be in charge of 28 little ones if I can't remember to pay a parking ticket/ bring my classroom keys to work/ fill out an Independent Study packet for a student who was absent today? How can I function as a Kindergarten teacher when I need to write down every thought that enters my brain onto a sticky note, lest otherwise it float away from my consciousness as easily as it flew in? I find myself walking into the staff room at my school purposefully, goal-in-sight, I-mean-business boots clacking purposefully, only to forget what I walked in there for, wandering aimlessly, smiling widely to hide the panicked "whatwasitwhatwasitwhatwasitwhatwasit" echoing in my brain. This happens to me at least twice every.single.day.
So then I think... what else could I do? What skills do I have? What job could I excel more at... a job where 28 children and their families aren't depending on me day in and day out. Will I remember to have your child check the Lost and Found to get their beanie at the end of the day as you're texting me? Probably not. Will I give out the flyer that I just received and ensure it makes it into the hands of every parent of my 5/6 year olds by this evening? Most likely not. Will I remember my own coat as I leave the classroom? Not likely. But will I accidentally carry the walkie talkie I'm required to wear all day to my car and let it die there forgetting I should have charged it in my room? Quite possibly.
But with all of of this, I'm trying to be gentle to myself while still working on these things. I've had incredible teachers show me their systems... but to be honest I still throw all my old lessons in a drawer, haphazard, telling myself I'll organize them this weekend. But this weekend I'll be doing dishes, updating student files, looking for new fun hands-on activities for next week. Or organizing that other shelf I've been meaning to, or filling binders with student work, or correcting student work, or filing student work.
But then I tell myself...my students are doing well, they seem happy, and I FEEL happy seeing these little ones each day. Do I feel happy thinking about my misgivings, about the things I forget, about the constant to-do-list? Not as much. But what matters are the kids... and they feel just right. Right now I feel on an up-curve in my classroom-- we feel like a family, who knows the ins and outs of one another, and who can talk to one another easily, cheerily, sometimes irritably, but always with an understanding of one another.
I love my class and I love this job. If only I was cut out for it, just a little more. ;)