I often wonder, like every other educator, I'm sure...was I meant to be a teacher? Most often times, the answer is no. I'm unorganized, scatterbrained, forgetful, and at times even a little careless. And I've always been this way. Sometimes I think it's getting worse. How can I be in charge of 28 little ones if I can't remember to pay a parking ticket/ bring my classroom keys to work/ fill out an Independent Study packet for a student who was absent today? How can I function as a Kindergarten teacher when I need to write down every thought that enters my brain onto a sticky note, lest otherwise it float away from my consciousness as easily as it flew in? I find myself walking into the staff room at my school purposefully, goal-in-sight, I-mean-business boots clacking purposefully, only to forget what I walked in there for, wandering aimlessly, smiling widely to hide the panicked "whatwasitwhatwasitwhatwasitwhatwasit" echoing in my brain. This happens to me at least twice every.single.day.
So then I think... what else could I do? What skills do I have? What job could I excel more at... a job where 28 children and their families aren't depending on me day in and day out. Will I remember to have your child check the Lost and Found to get their beanie at the end of the day as you're texting me? Probably not. Will I give out the flyer that I just received and ensure it makes it into the hands of every parent of my 5/6 year olds by this evening? Most likely not. Will I remember my own coat as I leave the classroom? Not likely. But will I accidentally carry the walkie talkie I'm required to wear all day to my car and let it die there forgetting I should have charged it in my room? Quite possibly.
But with all of of this, I'm trying to be gentle to myself while still working on these things. I've had incredible teachers show me their systems... but to be honest I still throw all my old lessons in a drawer, haphazard, telling myself I'll organize them this weekend. But this weekend I'll be doing dishes, updating student files, looking for new fun hands-on activities for next week. Or organizing that other shelf I've been meaning to, or filling binders with student work, or correcting student work, or filing student work.
But then I tell myself...my students are doing well, they seem happy, and I FEEL happy seeing these little ones each day. Do I feel happy thinking about my misgivings, about the things I forget, about the constant to-do-list? Not as much. But what matters are the kids... and they feel just right. Right now I feel on an up-curve in my classroom-- we feel like a family, who knows the ins and outs of one another, and who can talk to one another easily, cheerily, sometimes irritably, but always with an understanding of one another.
I love my class and I love this job. If only I was cut out for it, just a little more. ;)
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