On authenticity in the classroom

I often look at other educators, and think...  "If only I could be like them..." If only I could have a silent line, if only I was planned three weeks in advance, if only my data were better, if only I remembered to go back and reflect whole-group on every single lesson we do as a class...if only my shirt weren't coffee stained or the soles falling off my shoes, or the inside of my car immaculate...the word wall in my classroom stuck on "S" because I haven't created the letter collages I've been working on since December...
But that's not me. I'm trying in my profession to accept myself the way my dearest friends and family do wholeheartedly. If only I were as gentle on me as they were on me... I'd perhaps be a better teacher because I'd be more confident, more self-loving, and less likely to lose my patience with the kids because I'd love my own practice and trust my own self more. This is often a theme in my blog posts because I'm constantly working on my self-love as an educator. And I think part of that self love is appreciating the fact that I will never be good enough for myself, my students, or their families in my eyes. That constant striving for better is a good thing. But, guys, I keep beating myself up. I blame myself for EVERYTHING in my classroom. That child's behavior is on ME. I must have done something or said something to cause it. The fact that the newsletter didn't make it home to one child is on ME...I should have taught them better organization skills to get it there. The fact that I forget to print something or get something signed is on me... for not writing it down. I spend so much time thinking about all the things I've done wrong, it is so hard for me to see what is going right. This self-blaming...it's the thing that's held me down in my teaching for these five years, and it's the thing I need to stop, or at least accept.
My classroom will not be immaculate. I am not an immaculate person. I fold my laundry in bursts--I take 2 shirts at a time to my room to hang up rather than do all at once. I forget to give at least one student a snack every single day... the kids know so well by now that we all laugh and say "Silly Ms. Weissman!" in unison. I forget to pay bills sometimes...I will without fail ALWAYS forget to hook my computer up to the projector ahead of time when we're about to watch a movie or youtube video, and spend 3 minutes looking for the right cord. I'm messy and my classroom's a little messy and guesswhat...my students are a little messy.
But what's good about my classroom? These are the things that I struggle to find. But...here goes. Every day when I take attendance, when someone doesn't say "Here" the students murmur how sad they are that one of our friends can't be with us today. It doesn't matter who it is or when it is...without fail, every time...at least three kids will shake their heads and AUTHENTICALLY say how sad it is we can't all be here together.
My students are not afraid of me. Some people might say this is a bad thing--but I don't think it is. My students tell me anything and everything, they laugh at me and with me, and they apologize when they've hurt my feelings and I apologize when I've hurt theirs. My students love writing time and have the choice/fleixibility to use their imaginations about the things that matter to them. Every day we share "Calendar news" where the kids tell eachother what's coming up in their lives and what they're looking forward to. My class gives eachother thumbs up when they accomplish something--when someone takes a risk, when work looks particularly neat and complete--when a table group gets to line up first for showing responsibility and getting their work done. I'm good at teaching number sense--we practice dot patterns and number recognition every day. My students fart and burp all the time and say "Excuse me" and we all move on without missing a beat.
What do I need to work on? Oh goodness... being truly equitable, training my students to self reflect better, to apply more partner work, to stick to my schedule more, to not let the little things get to me, to let go of work once I get home...
But this is me. My classroom is certainly not perfect. But it is real, and I am real, and very flawed...and I'm proud my students are such thoughtful and caring and flawed human beings. They help each other easily and readily, they are immediately there for me if I'm hurt or upset, they think deeply about the decisions they make and honestly just want to do well. Every. single. one. of. them. So my kids might not form all their letters perfectly, they might not line up beautifully every time, but we're figuring it out together.